(by Pete Lopez. Read his blog Road to Absolute Zero.)
Okay, now that I have stolen your undivided attention, I confess that it’s highly unlikely that I would go through with the kidnapping. Besides the obvious concerns of serving a prison sentence and not possessing advanced technology to accurately track the people who read this, there are numerous other factors.
First off, I am far too lazy to put in the necessary research in order to decipher where anyone’s family members reside as well as devise a plan to secretly abduct them. Secondly, I dwell in a small city apartment making it highly unfeasible to house more than several victims simultaneously.
Finally, knowing the warm heart I have, I envision myself treating the captives more like invited guests. In an effort to sooth my conscience I would try to make their stay as pleasant as possible by providing recently released DVDs, offering my catalogue of board games and sharing a vintage bottle of aged whiskey.
Now that I think about it, I would have to tidy up the place, prepare balanced meals and do countless loads of laundry. Those are tasks I barely perform for my own benefit. I would spend so much time fussing about being a respectable host that I’d end up forgetting that the sole purpose of these people inhabiting my humble abode was to exhort their other relatives into reading this.
The whole process would turn into an enormous hassle. After reevaluating, I have concluded that this fiasco would be far more trouble than it was worth. If the only reason you have read the above is for family member safety then I am truly sorry for any state of panic caused and for the waste of your precious time.
Despite my apology for the empty kidnapping threat, I must be honest and inform you that I will declare you as “an idiot” if you don’t read this. My opinion will be that you posses the mental capacity of an infant and I will automatically assume that you were a failure in school and reek of rotten eggs and selfishness………..Alright, I admit it’s unrealistic for me to judge one's intelligence level strictly based on whether this was read and my sense of smell is weak and unreliable. Please forgive me once again as I withdraw my absurd claim.
Alas, let me take a stab at inflicting guilt. If you don't read this piece, I will quit brushing my teeth. That's right, if you forgo reading this, then the burden of my decaying teeth will rest solely upon your shoulders……Okay, I must retreat yet again. There is never an excuse for poor hygiene and I am sure that my mom would forbid me to go through with that unsanitary ploy.
Let me try a non threatening angle that offers prosperity. If you read this piece then you will be blessed with great fortune today. I better add a disclaimer in parenthesis and italics. (If you didn't have a real lucky day, then your luck was that nothing bad happened. If something bad happened then your luck stopped it from getting any worse. If you had the worst day of your life then your luck is that going forward, all your future days will be brighter.)
Alright, I throw in the towel. Presenting open ended fortuitous promises or attempting to deceive people into reading my work is quite superficial and I prefer to believe I am above that. The problem is that I wish to be wealthy and recently picked writing as the path to that accomplishment. The simple premise being, I masterfully sculpt this essay and then someone drops from the sky to offer me unimaginable riches.
I already have the situation detailed in my mind. Mr. Magic Man (Triple M for short) dressed in a tuxedo will slowly float down from the clouds and say “I have come across your material and it's absolutely fantastic. Here is a million dollar check and a job offer to write for my newspaper. As per the agreement, a bikini wearing supermodel will be provided as your secretary and here is the key to the city.”
Of course I would respond with “About time” I mean, “Thank you for the opportunity Sir, you won’t regret it.”
Alright, I know the angel billionaire man scenario sounds ridiculous. I’d love to model my past after a young orphaned boy who was dealt a bad hand in life but yet never gave up the flickering hope to be a professional journalist. His heartwarming tale began as a poorly dressed boy gathering cans found while rummaging through dumpsters and fraternity houses. With the small income collected from recycling, he was able to purchase an outdated typewriter with missing letters.
For years he worked countless hours at minimum waged jobs but never relinquished his dream. Sleepless nights in his adopted parents' dungeon supplied his only free time to write and he did the best he could evading words requiring the L and R keys. Finally after 15 years of exhausting manual labor and keeping his spirit alive, he got his well-deserved break. He received mainstream acclaim after penning an ecological documentary titled Goba Waming. His piece reversed decades of environmental damage and he became crowned “The Green Savior”.
However, my lack of motivation favors avoiding the back breaking employment and relentless desire so that I can skip instantly to the big break. Thus, I developed the concept of kidnapping family members to expedite the process. Since my overnight writing career has proven to be fruitless, I shall simply move on to other get rich quick schemes. Maybe performing fiery daredevil stunts drenched in rubbing alcohol, becoming a superhero or composing lyrical recipes for a musical cook book. Who knows what crazy ideas I'll come up with next and be too lazy to follow through?
First off, I am far too lazy to put in the necessary research in order to decipher where anyone’s family members reside as well as devise a plan to secretly abduct them. Secondly, I dwell in a small city apartment making it highly unfeasible to house more than several victims simultaneously.
Finally, knowing the warm heart I have, I envision myself treating the captives more like invited guests. In an effort to sooth my conscience I would try to make their stay as pleasant as possible by providing recently released DVDs, offering my catalogue of board games and sharing a vintage bottle of aged whiskey.
Now that I think about it, I would have to tidy up the place, prepare balanced meals and do countless loads of laundry. Those are tasks I barely perform for my own benefit. I would spend so much time fussing about being a respectable host that I’d end up forgetting that the sole purpose of these people inhabiting my humble abode was to exhort their other relatives into reading this.
The whole process would turn into an enormous hassle. After reevaluating, I have concluded that this fiasco would be far more trouble than it was worth. If the only reason you have read the above is for family member safety then I am truly sorry for any state of panic caused and for the waste of your precious time.
Despite my apology for the empty kidnapping threat, I must be honest and inform you that I will declare you as “an idiot” if you don’t read this. My opinion will be that you posses the mental capacity of an infant and I will automatically assume that you were a failure in school and reek of rotten eggs and selfishness………..Alright, I admit it’s unrealistic for me to judge one's intelligence level strictly based on whether this was read and my sense of smell is weak and unreliable. Please forgive me once again as I withdraw my absurd claim.
Alas, let me take a stab at inflicting guilt. If you don't read this piece, I will quit brushing my teeth. That's right, if you forgo reading this, then the burden of my decaying teeth will rest solely upon your shoulders……Okay, I must retreat yet again. There is never an excuse for poor hygiene and I am sure that my mom would forbid me to go through with that unsanitary ploy.
Let me try a non threatening angle that offers prosperity. If you read this piece then you will be blessed with great fortune today. I better add a disclaimer in parenthesis and italics. (If you didn't have a real lucky day, then your luck was that nothing bad happened. If something bad happened then your luck stopped it from getting any worse. If you had the worst day of your life then your luck is that going forward, all your future days will be brighter.)
Alright, I throw in the towel. Presenting open ended fortuitous promises or attempting to deceive people into reading my work is quite superficial and I prefer to believe I am above that. The problem is that I wish to be wealthy and recently picked writing as the path to that accomplishment. The simple premise being, I masterfully sculpt this essay and then someone drops from the sky to offer me unimaginable riches.
I already have the situation detailed in my mind. Mr. Magic Man (Triple M for short) dressed in a tuxedo will slowly float down from the clouds and say “I have come across your material and it's absolutely fantastic. Here is a million dollar check and a job offer to write for my newspaper. As per the agreement, a bikini wearing supermodel will be provided as your secretary and here is the key to the city.”
Of course I would respond with “About time” I mean, “Thank you for the opportunity Sir, you won’t regret it.”
Alright, I know the angel billionaire man scenario sounds ridiculous. I’d love to model my past after a young orphaned boy who was dealt a bad hand in life but yet never gave up the flickering hope to be a professional journalist. His heartwarming tale began as a poorly dressed boy gathering cans found while rummaging through dumpsters and fraternity houses. With the small income collected from recycling, he was able to purchase an outdated typewriter with missing letters.
For years he worked countless hours at minimum waged jobs but never relinquished his dream. Sleepless nights in his adopted parents' dungeon supplied his only free time to write and he did the best he could evading words requiring the L and R keys. Finally after 15 years of exhausting manual labor and keeping his spirit alive, he got his well-deserved break. He received mainstream acclaim after penning an ecological documentary titled Goba Waming. His piece reversed decades of environmental damage and he became crowned “The Green Savior”.
However, my lack of motivation favors avoiding the back breaking employment and relentless desire so that I can skip instantly to the big break. Thus, I developed the concept of kidnapping family members to expedite the process. Since my overnight writing career has proven to be fruitless, I shall simply move on to other get rich quick schemes. Maybe performing fiery daredevil stunts drenched in rubbing alcohol, becoming a superhero or composing lyrical recipes for a musical cook book. Who knows what crazy ideas I'll come up with next and be too lazy to follow through?
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