My mind becomes constructively destructive. . I’m not ok and its killing me
As you lay beside me sleeping, my eyes are wide open and I stare at the ceiling. I have drifted to a place I never wanted to return to and once again I am all alone.
My mind is spinning around in a sequence of figure eights. My dizziness is keeping me from drifting off to the nightmare undoubtedly is building in my subconscious. I am afraid to speak, I’m afraid to feel, I am afraid to show my fear and I fear I have lost.
It feels as if everything I have tried so hard to work toward is crumbling before me once again.
Is this my destiny?
I can’t explain to you what this feeling is like. It is almost like being intoxicated with love and when I wake up i will have to face the sobering reality that it may be over.
I turn and look at you and you’re drifted off into your own dream land. Wishing for myself so helplessly that I could join you and we could both run away from it all and never look back.
Love burns, the flame is often so hot the it scalds all other feelings and one often forgets about your surroundings and the reality of how evil a place we dwell in. nothing on this earth is meant to last forever. Is there anything here for me but greed, pain, and frustration? The hatred builds within me and grows as if it is taking my entire body over.
You say that hatred is ungodly yet, when you look in the mirror the image you see is darkened and blurry. Again you’re helpless to your surroundings and the fate that awaits you hourly.
My Life is a prison. Broken stitches in the patterns of a blanket where my destination humbles me in reality, the fabric a tainted color of a rainbow and it’s made of solid wool. The scares I bare from wearing it so long have imprisoned me within its warmth and shelter, dropping it from my shoulders would expose my nakedness to all, and in your eyes I then would be at judgment with all who confronts me.
The blood that flows through my veins becomes thin, dependent upon life’s diversities and expectations.
How strong can one man become before he falls like a giant before the grace of God and admits his is defeated?
Hidden tears and emotions, one never could express even if given half the chance, so you find yourself strolling through each day with the pacification knowing in your heart your doing the right thing even if mere survival is all that keeps you motivated.
I look toward the clock and the hours have drifted as if I had disappeared for some time yet here I was lying beside you aware of my surroundings.
What will tomorrow bring? How will I face you? How will I face myself?
Will everything be the same, or will I somehow be so different?
For now I will close my eyes and face the demons that await me in my dreams, praying that I awake to face the new day that awaits me and the challenges of yet another tomorrow.
xxx
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